3 Questions for Dating (and other relations)

As we enter into all of our relationships, whether they are friendships, business partnerships, romantic or otherwise; we are obligated to know ourselves well enough to communicate what we want, what we cannot tolerate, and what we have to share with our (potential) partners in relating. By spending time to search our hearts and minds for the answers we are honoring our own individuality and respecting our authentic self and by communicating this with our partners in relating we treat them with integrity and kindness.

I view relationships as agreements (less formal and more flexible than a contract) that are negotiated by all parties weather it is directly or indirectly communicated.

I use the following 3 questions to guide my agreements with my partners.

Q1: What are my deal breakers? Deal breakers are things that are either required to be present or absent from the relationship or the partner. If you only answer one question, it should be this one! These are terms that when come up later are difficult to see as deal breakers (due to bio-chemicals, attachment, emotional dependency, etc) and may lead us to remain in a relationship that is ultimately not satisfying. Early on in the relationship (ideally before sexual intimacy) it is easier to detach from a person if there are terms that will not be met.

Here are a few of my dating deal-breakers:

• Lying
• Active opiate addiction
• Monogamy
• Emotional abuse

For me the answers to this question is pretty broad except for the opiate addiction – that is a trigger for me and I know that I cannot be in a romantic relationship with someone with that particular addiction – perhaps friends, but not more. The emotional abuse item is related to my check-in system and is a cue for certain traits that I know trend to toxic relating for me.

My friends have other deal breakers:

• Cigarette smoker
• Active alcoholic
• Not active/fit
• Doesn’t want kids

Q2: What am I willing to offer my partner? This is important information for your potential partner – this lets them know what they may receive from you in the relationship. Gives them the power to agree, negotiate or decline the terms. It is important to the negotiation portion, as they may not be interested or willing to receive all the things you wish to offer. This is further empowering to the relationship as it allows you to negotiate with yourself (and with your partner) about how (or by whom) those offerings may be shared.

Here are a few of the things I am willing to offer my partner:

• Honesty/Candor
• Laughter (usually in the form of bad or off-color jokes)
• Affection (Cuddles, PDA, making out)
• Sex (…all kinds!)
• Friendship

Q3: What do I wish to receive from my partner? Why are you working on entering into a relationship, at all? What are you seeking to receive? These can be simple and seemingly mundane (I know a guy who needs to exchange ‘good morning’ with his sweethearts at least every other day to feel connected), spiritual (i.e. reading meaningful passages together and discussing them), the same as what you are offering, or anything else your heart desires.

Here are a few of the things I wish receive from my partner:

• Emotional and physical presence support for the races in which I compete
• Support for my personal growth
• Tenderness
• Intellectual stimulation

Now the personal work part is done – What’s next? Discussing this with the other person/people involved. This part can be scary or sexy – depending on your state of mind, comfort, and even experience.

When are okay times to bring up these three components of relating? All the times! It is never too early or too late – if you feel like it is the right time. My suggestion is that you know your own answers before you bring it up so that you avoid the potential of feeling pressured and resort to ‘making it up’. And if your partner is not sure of their own stance, offer time so that they may consider and get back to you so you can keep the negotiation going. But, maybe it will work for you to explore these things with the other person, only you will know. As I stated earlier, before sex (or having an orgasm in the same room) is a more less biochemically crowded state of mind to sort through potential partners according to your discovered answers.

Now you have had the conversation – If it is not a complete match or a complete miss there may be some things that you (or they) may not be willing to receive or give and you (and they) have to evaluate and make some decisions about getting your giving and needing needs met. Here are a few questions to consider:

• Is that a need that you are willing to go without being met?
• Is that a need that you can (and are willing to) get filled somewhere outside of the relationship? If so, you will probably do this same thing with those people and will need to negotiate those terms with (all) your partner(s).

There is a lot of room for variation. For example in my current situation I am dating two individuals. They each meet me friendship needs and each fulfill different parts of my emotional and physical needs. One person is very affectionate and tender with me, they also affirm my looks and personality in a way that I need while the other is an intense sexual partner who is not willing/able to be affectionate with me. Each person knows about the other and the needs I have that are fulfilled by each. While this was scary at first and there have been some hard conversations; we are all consenting to relationships that we feel is safe, loving, and fun.

Without knowing what we want ad what we have to offer we would not be able to have these growthful relationships.

-Friendship is the Foundation of Everlasting Love-