Toothpaste

Toothpaste – It’s the stuff you depend on to allow a confident handshake, a hug, and even an enjoyable kiss. Before my last relationship got serious I would buy a new kind of toothpaste every time. Never the same tube twice. I loved the variety and I liked most of the pastes I met. Some were spicy and red, some were minty and blue, some even had three colors or tasted like bubble gum. I liked to feel the flavor in my nose and compare foaming propensity. It was fun every morning and evening – I was a twice a day brusher!

Then, as my last relationship became more serious and A&H was the preferred choice of a particular dentist it became the only option. My romance with spicy, minty, blue, white, striped, and all the other arrangements of paste was over. Everyday I would open the tube and dispense the same ineffective white semi-flavored paste onto my brightly colored toothbrush. My teeth never felt as clean or looked as white as when my paste changed monthly. I no longer craved the taste or the feeling – I dreaded the lack luster experience of brushing with bland old A&H. I became a morning only brusher.

I am not saying that the problem was that there was no variety, that was a hard part of the deal, but the actual problem was that I didn’t enjoy the paste I was using. Even if I were able to introduce other pastes to the mix (even semi-monthly), it wouldn’t make me like the A& H any better. I just thought it was boring, ineffective and didn’t offer me much.

When I left the relationship I took the half used tube of A&H paste that was on top of the sink in the bathroom and left the still-in-the-box tube of the ineffective white semi-flavored paste under the sink for them to open and use. After a few months the tube I took with me was empty. I used every last bit I could. I don’t know why, exactly – I already knew I didn’t like, want, or need the A&H any more – I guess I wanted to be able to say that I didn’t waste the paste – even if it was not effective and lacked flavor. (Yeah, obviously I still have work to do around letting go)

I went on a weekend trip with a friend and didn’t bring any paste. I used the paste they brought. And, it was blue, minty, and made the most glorious foam – so much foam that I was giggling with glee! It was like fireworks in my mouth, the bristles squeaked across my teeth and I couldn’t wait to do it again! I didn’t feel guilty, shameful or dirty – I felt clean and exquisite!

When I got home from the trip I threw away the yellow and white tube I have squeezed for the last 11 years and left to buy a brand new make and model of tooth cleaning paste. When I returned home I used it! It was miraculous and energizing. Now I look forward to brushing my teeth. I am now a 2-3 times per day brusher – can I make up for lost time?

Why did I give up my paste rotation? Why did I not notice my enthusiasm fade? Why didn’t I just buy the kind I wanted? Why did I stay for so long in an ineffective un-enjoyable paste situation?

I was convinced that I couldn’t find a better paste – I wasn’t worthy of a different paste – I was barely able to get this particular paste. My self worth was non-existent. I also believed that I had to prove how tough I was for enduring the situation and ‘surviving’ it and that if I were to leave that meant I was weak, I was giving up, I was breaking my vows, I was a bad person. I should be ashamed of myself for even thinking of walking away.

For the better part of 11 years the person I was spending all of my time with would go a few days in a row being a wonderful friend and support, telling me all the ways I was fabulous and our relationship would run smoothly – ideally almost. Then, something would happen in their life that would crack the veneer or cause self doubt or someone may say something to them that they perceive as an insult to their capacity or ability. This ‘stress’ would give way to what I call ‘cathartic vomiting of negative feelings’ that were mostly comments blaming me for difficult or negative parts/feeling they would experience.

For example, if they saw another person who looked more fit or thought I found more attractive it would lead to me being told how out of shape I am and how I need to be more disciplined about my gym visits. It was not diplomatic or kind in delivery; it often included insults like ‘fat’ or they would point our that I had cellulite (by the way… all women do! Its totally normal and I am no longer ashamed of it).

At first I was able to shake these insult and ‘tear downs’ off with ease, but after years I started to become confused about what was real. My self-confidence, self-efficacy, and my trust in my emotional awareness was degraded during these ‘tear-down’ phases. This ‘tear-down’ phase would last 2-3 days, always a little longer than the ‘idyllic’ phase. Following this would come some kind of brief ignoring, ‘I’m too busy’, or away time, which I would rush into with groveling.

They would be seated and I would be bowing – making promises to ‘change’ to ‘be better’ vowing to do whatever they said they wanted me to do – just so I can not be ignored or yelled at. I wanted to be accepted back into the fold. They would accept my promises and hold them over my head for eternity.

This may take different forms and have various stimuli. The pattern was the same for me though – I would constantly be worried that I may say or do something that would stimulate the yelling, name-calling, blaming, shaming or other humiliation; then when it would begin I would harden myself so as not to absorb their words; and then grovel and apologize for being so terrible and I would feel less than when the routine began. So every time I would come away feeling a little smaller, dumber, uglier, and never ever good enough. This is the paste I was stuck in and I was trying to make a no-good situation into an okay situation.

I finally realized that I am totally worth being treated with kindness and respect. I also realized that I can always choose my paste – no matter what anyone else’s dentist says!