My Anxiety, My Teacher

My anxiety doesn’t feel like a heart attack
I don’t breath into a paper bag
I don’t think I am dying
I don’t shake
I don’t scream

My anxiety greets me in the morning
As soon as I stir, its there
Perched on my chest
Weighing it down
I can’t get a full breath
I’m stuck

I lay there
Staring into the abyss
Feeling empty
There’s tension inside my being
Tight around my heart and lungs

Then comes the heat
It starts in my belly
Radiates out to my back
Then up through my chest
Soon, I am sweating
It’s so hot and I can’t breath

And it’s only been 5 seconds since I woke up

I push the covers off
The cool air on my sweaty body
Brings momentary relief
Followed by shivers
And a quick retrieve of the covers

I have my breath now
And I am not freezing
But, my stomach is ice cold
And vacant
It screams and shrieks in a high pitched screech
My ears hear nothing and everything at once
My teeth sweat
Makes my brow furrow and bead with sweat

I hurry to the toilet
The cold squeezes my guts
I heave over the bowl
Nothing
I am panting
I am sweating
I am standing over the toilet
Holding my own hair back
Again, my whole body heaves

A dribble of lime green ooze
Drips past my lips and into the bowl
It hurriedly settles at the bottom
In a neat puddle

Anxiety isn’t done with me yet
There is a cold sweat covering my body
My torso is seizing and wrenching
More bits of my guts land in the water

I stand up and move to the sink
I lean on the edge and look at myself
My face is pale and wet
My skin is saggy and I am exhausted

I take my clothes off
I lay on the bed and cry

I cry with shame
Hot burning tears stream
Out of my eyes and over my nose
A collection on my pillow

What’s wrong with me?
Why do I feel this way?
What am I doing wrong?
What’s wrong with me?

Time’s up
Get ready
Face the world

I get dressed and packed
I try to leave my anxiety
It finds its way onto my shoulder
It’s a bit quieter now
But, it whispers in my ear all day
Fun, upbeat, supportive things like
Who do you think you are?
What are they thinking about you?
They are probably laughing at you!
You aren’t smart enough.
You are a fraud.
No one likes you.

It’s a bit quieter now
But, it has me do things
Fun, upbeat, supportive things like:
Talk too loud
Drink too much
Over share
Say mean things
Block love out

Time for bed
Anxiety lies down next to me
Large, heavy and expansive
I have to shrink and shrivel to fit on the bed

Anxiety says
Just ignore me and I will go away
I listen and just ignore it
And when I stir in the morning
Anxiety is perched upon my chest

Anxiety has no interest in ‘going away’
Anxiety wants to stay perched on my heart
And shriek in my ear

Anxiety is inside of me
It’s a part of me
It will never ‘go away’
It will only grow as I hide it
It feeds on secrets and shame

When I awake and anxiety is perched
I no longer am paralyzed
I am welcoming
I say ‘Hello Anxiety! What message have you today?”
And when I sit with Anxiety
I learn about what I need
There is no longer shame in Anxiety
There is only information

Anxiety is a warning system out of control
When I ignore or fight the warnings
They grow and multiply
When I embrace and share the warnings
They are managed and minimized

I relate with my anxiety
And it can be wielded as a tool
I ignore my anxiety
And it can destroy me

My anxiety doesn’t perch anymore
I don’t feel scared and worthless
I don’t think I am stuck
I don’t sweat
I don’t vomit

My anxiety doesn’t greet me in the morning
As soon as I stir, its nowhere
Perched on my chest
Is a warmth
I can get a full breath
I’m content

I lay there
Staring into the abyss
Feeling full
There’s space inside my being
Kindness around my heart
And lungs full of life.

Anxiety is inside of me
It’s a part of me
It will never ‘go away’
It will only grow as I hide it
It feeds on secrets and shame