I have always felt (and still do) that I have an infinite well of love and care to give – this is a feature of my Self that I cherish. I cherish the fact that this belief, this false belief, resides with my heart – for it shows me my most tender and vulnerable self, and when I see that part I can care for it. The truth is that I do not have an infinite well of love and care to give and I did not know this in my 20’s.
The men that I have dated have emotionally ‘fed’ on me. These men can be categorized based on their addictions and interpersonal relationship styles, but I will not categorize them here; I will just say that they have similar vices. This giver and taker has always been a terrible match that felt very familiar to me. One person (me) was compelled to give endlessly without asking for anything in return and the other was compelled to devour or destroy emotional energy. Trouble with this is that it doesn’t actually work; the person who is feeding is never satisfied and the food source grows weary and weak. There is a breaking point – there was always a breaking point and it was usually me who broke.
I would give up parts of myself, time, friendships, energy to try to ‘help’ these men. Weather it be taking care of them during a hangover, hiding booze at a party so there would be some for them when everything else ran out, ignoring being ignored, laying on the gurney with them in the emergency room as they got an IV of saline and Ativan for the detox symptoms after a 4 day bender, being left a note informing me they had moved to Montana, missing parties, being yelled at in public, the list goes on….
Why? Why would I sacrifice so much of myself for these people?
I craved their approval and attention – I wanted to be the one they changed for … or at least that’s what I thought. But, to be honest I may not have liked them once they were ‘well’. I think the part of it I wanted was the caregiving and sacrificing; and if that wasn’t needed then I wasn’t interested – I was behaving emotionally masochistic, I was punishing myself for not being good enough. I never thought I deserved to be treated better. Also, if they were more fucked up than me – then, I could ignore my own personal growth needs. Win-win! I could continue to trudge around in the muck that was so familiar, even if detrimental.
Okay… so that’s my pattern – give as if I don’t deserve to be given to. So, how does dating someone with the same vices help me heal from these toxic relationships? It’s an intentional and consensual relationship between this person and me. We have shared with each other what we want, what we can offer and what we are not willing/able to do. Not to say that we have covered all areas of relating, but we have covered major components and continue to address things as they arise.
With this person I am able to satisfy my needs for caretaking and giving without giving more than makes sense or is fair to me. He appreciates me for my physical body and my personality (two areas I am insecure about due to parts of my most recent 11 year relationship). He is a kind hearted and gentle guy who doubles as the life of the party. He has never said a mean thing to me nor ever hurt my feelings and he looks at me in a way that makes me feel beautiful for being exactly me. We have a growing friendship and an open sexual relationship (consensual non-monogamy).
I ask him to tell me if and when he is intimate with another person and I do the same. He does not always like telling me – he worries that I will be mad; but has expressed that he feels that if he doesn’t he will break our trust and he acknowledges that I have never been the slightest upset. On the contrary I usually ask “Was it good? Was she nice to you?” and I am genuinely interested in his experience. There may be some jealousy (there is jealousy in monogamous relationships) and when it comes up we talk about it and find understanding. This allows me to not be or feel tied to him in a conventional way –instead I am able to approach our relationship with honesty and without fear. I can tell him if another man was not so nice and he will offer consoling. He can talk to me about how another woman is communicating and I can help him understand her. It is a wonderful thing.
But, he gets wasted most weekends – and he calls me at 2 in the morning to pick him up. I don’t always pick up the phone and I rarely pick him up drunk. When I do see him we often eat lunch together (I bring it), watch a movie and spend time talking and snuggling at his house. It is a lovely exchange – and neither of us expects it will be a long-term arrangement, which alleviates so much pressure and allows me to be brutally honest with myself and him. I find the lack of pressure is also helpful in intimacy building, which is ironic since we are stating that we will not be in for the long haul and yet we find ourselves closer through that understanding.
I enjoy practicing loving him for his heart and spirit and not his past or his skeletons. I get to practice living in this very moment and connecting with someone who is very different from me. The biggest change (and most liberating) for me has been to not ask or expect him to change anything about his life –I care for him without condition or judgment. I can do that because that is how I regard myself these days.
We like what we have – we have told each other so. We each get our expressed needs met and neither is abused in the process. We both hope our friendship is everlasting.
So, I do not give until I am empty, I get care and appreciation; I am rewriting the script and I am healing wounds from past relationships through honest and direct communication. The honest and direct part I have worked for years to be brave enough to try – I am so grateful for the opportunity to do this with him. Thank you, Evs.
Dating Tales & Fails 
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