The Letter I Gave My Husband 6 Months Before I Left

This is a letter I sent in response to a angry/blaming letter I received after  a two-day no talking fight that started when they told me they were unhappy with how I texted them earlier that day .  During the car ride of 15 minutes they had unloaded more than the text content – they told me how I was not a good wife and was not living up to my promises, that I couldn’t communicate and so on.  At one point I turned and said ‘This (unloading) doesn’t work for me.  I don’t find it productive and I end up feeling bad’ to which they responded with a loud “Well, it works for me!”  This was the beginning of the end for me.  The letter below was written and given the day before my 35th birthday.  This was a pattern that was overwhelming for me to participate in.  This is the only letter I had ever written them that was not a love letter.

After this, I refused to have ’emotionally charged’ conversations and we went to couples counseling,  We both tried to do all the things we read or were encouraged to do: worked to practice new communication techniques, did new things together, went on dates, talked about how we could negotiate our relationship, practiced being vulnerable with each other, each doing things on our own, self-care and I am sure many more ‘things’.  But, honestly at the point when this letter was written, I felt like I was running on empty.  It was my last great effort at communicating my needs.

Since this letter they have made tremendous strides in addressing the hurt inside their heart – and I am so glad that they are able to live life with less pain – they have been able to make great strides in the way they treat themselves, and therefore others.  Unfortunately, we could not hear each other while we were in a relationship. I hope that in this new space we may find a respectful friendship and happiness in our own lives.

 

Dear They,

Throughout your letter you tell me that I have not taken responsibility for how you are feeling: lack of trust, anxious, uncertain. I cannot take responsibility for your feelings. What I can do, is take responsibility for my actions and my own feelings.

I accept responsibility for not being completely forthright at the beginning regarding my sexual history. I had shame and anxiety around the topic and was not capable of discussing it, in that way & at that time. Since then I have listed my partners to you while lying in bed and categorized them as boyfriends or flings. That was very painful and I was very vulnerable during that sharing. Two years ago as I was becoming sober & again I listed and described in further detail the experiences I shared with those people – you said it would help you heal. Despite those experiences you still call me names like ‘slut’ or look at me sideways implying that I am still the same person when people like Amy Schumer are making jokes. Sending a clear message of disapproval for past events that cannot be changed. I am not aware of what you have done to move on from that or re-make your memories or become compassionate to my life story – to me you are the same now as you were then. The examples above indicate that I have made strides and great effort to remedy that situation. I am working on this actively – I go at my pace, for myself. If what that work looks like to you is not satisfying, then you have to deal with that.

Asking me if I think my vagina is extra big because of the number of partners I have had is absurd, offensive, and shows how wrapped up in the constructs of sexuality and what it is ‘supposed’ to be like. Layering it with comments about how maybe you are too small – is manipulative and seems like you are just fishing for re-assurances through putting me down. There is nothing wrong with my vagina nor your penis.

I do not satisfy your sexual curiosity. You wait for me to do things and when I don’t you are dissatisfied. You have not initiated anything different or a shopping trip – you wait for me to do it and are consistently disappointed. Why do you not do something different? I am not interested in having sex when there is a lack of emotional or psychological connection and you claim to need sex for that connection. That creates an impasse. The emotional connection comes when we own our parts and practice different patterns. I have had sex to build a connection and usually within 30 minutes you are mad at me for something not temporal and the connection is lost. I do not see why I would continue to compromise like that.

Telling me that I am fat, flabby, have cellulite, or need to go to the gym because I am out of shape is not supportive of healthy habits, focuses on your opinion and completely lacks sensitivity to me or my preferences. I do not like the gym…. I like hiking, biking, running, being outside…. You like the gym. I go to the gym as a compromise for us. (Similar ‘you are not good enough’ behaviors are: picking at my face, poking my stomach, pushing my shoulders back, telling me to give a real smile)

Telling me that you are ‘tired’ of me ‘annoyed’ with me ‘don’t want to be around’ me on a weekly basis is hurtful and, as I internalize these repetitive messages, I am confused when you want to spend time with me. How can you say you ‘hate’ me and don’t like me and then later the same week say that you can’t be away from me for 5 weeks? Those are mixed messages that lead to my anxiety and mis-trust around what you say/do/think/feel about me. I don’t know where I stand with you.

You have a lot of questions about who I am (sexuality, family, social justice, education….) Why do you have those questions still? I think it is because you don’t ask me about them. You tell me what you think I think and why I think what you think I think. When my answers are not the same as yours or my values or preferences do not match yours you belittle me, or my ideas. When I have brought up social justice issues or political going-ons that are upsetting you have a nihilist attitude and encourage me to ‘not be surprised’ or ‘what are you doing about it?’ rather than explore and share in the dialogue.

You accuse me of being defensive and not taking responsibility for my actions. I accuse you of the same thing. You dump all of your insecurities and self-doubt onto me – I am the one who is ‘holding you back’; I am ‘riding your coat-tails’ (oh, really? How so? Is that accurate?), you tell me what other people say about me to reinforce your negative perspective of me to ‘help me see myself’. I see these tactics as ways to keep your self-image in tact and as a way to refuse to see anything that will mar your image.

The most disturbing comments I have heard from you lately is that you are ‘not working on the relationship at all’ or you ‘have done all the work this whole time’ or you ‘don’t care about or like’ me. I have told you in response that I will work on my own without your effort for only so long before I won’t anymore. In the car on the way to the gym I was trying to tell you about how you impact me and have contributed to the dynamic. You interrupt me anytime I want to give you feedback about your approach and at the gym you got out of the car and slammed the door. This whole current situation stems from your outburst in the car leaving Kris’ place. You were basically saying that you did not like the text I sent you or the way I was treating you. You were conversational at first, but quickly worked yourself into yelling. I tried to apologize and say I could understand your feelings. You stayed silent and so did I. There is no winning when you are like that. There is a lack of perspective of your behavior. You continually justify it.

Other people have mentioned things to me about you; controlling, angry, blamer, mean-spirited. But, those are their opinions and sharing them with you like you share them with me is mean and manipulative. You do it so that you feel like you have an army to battle me. Why can’t you stand on your own and battle me? Why can’t you see yourself and they way you have created this dynamic between us? I respond, I react and I stimulate. But, I do not create this alone…. What is your role?

You have not taken responsibility for the things that you do in my direction that have negatively affected me for the last 10 years.

• Yelling/ raised voice about negative feelings related to me/ the relationship – I have asked numerous times for you to lower your voice, notice that you are yelling, to not yell – and they go unheeded. You yell for power and dominance. Submission is not always honest, I have to protect myself from the onslaught – I am foggy and wanting relief when you are unloading on me so, I am easily convinced that you are correct and I need to bend and change to your will. I have given you lip service many times in these situations because I feel powerless in that presence. The power and manipulation work to get me to say what you want to hear – but, because it is coerced it does not sustain and sometimes I resent the requests. These emotionally charged conversations are never ended in a meeting of the hearts, usually I have to grovel or promise or apologize or ‘do the right thing’ or ‘say the right thing’ for the terror to be over. I imagine that it is traumatizing for you too.
• Calling me names – even you have stated that you use ad homonym attacks because you see no way out. Out of what? I am not a monster, I am not threatening you; making me feel less-than and never good enough leads me to walk on eggshells and worry that one wrong step or move will instigate a new unloading. This is a childish approach that you have rarely apologized for or taken ownership of. I do not deserve to be talked to that way, especially by my husband. Here is a list of things that you have said to me in the last month: Lazy, stupid, cant think right, lack executive functioning skills, need to be institutionalized, can’t work with others, can’t plan, can’t buy gifts, not good at managing, bitch, slut, asshole, too emotional, too cold/detached, retarded, fat, messy, not a good/safe driver, boring, can’t have a conversation….. This is in the last month. Now, imagine that I have been hearing these messages from the person I trust the most and believe the most and want to please the most…. This leads to internalization of these ideas. Now, I think they are true, especially when I am with you.
• Telling me you are unhappy and that I need to decide if I can live up to your expectations (which I agree to through tactic 1 and 2 above) or I need to leave. If you are unhappy and cannot feel safe or find resolution, why is it my responsibility to know if I can live up to what you expect?

Over a year ago we were in Brazil. We had a huge fight where you told me that you wanted me to move out. After we were at Victor’s place you asked me what were fighting about…. Remember what it was that started the whole thing? You asked me if I was sure I still wanted chicken…. Seed of doubt, maybe he doesn’t want to go? So, I said we did not have to – was there something else you wanted? Then you were instantly mad that I wasn’t sure. You apologized at Victors and it was like nothing happened. Except, you said nasty and hurtful things and it had gone on for hours.

Often you have cathartic outbursts that expect me to take all your feelings and when I don’t you become more enraged. You have trained me to submit to your name calling and yelling and ultimatum giving and humiliation to keep you in my life.

I too need time for reflection and consideration of the past for the present and future. I do not feel like I am treated like an autonomous adult. You tell me what I feel and why. When I tell you not to do that and that you should ask me – you tell me that you have some talent or gift for knowing what other people are thinking/ feeling. That is co-opting my personality. You don’t know what or why I do things unless you ask me.

Yes, I talked to a friend. I need to talk to someone that is not you. I hope you are leaning on your network too.

I have been working on myself for years with various fits of energy and success, but I have kept with it and found overall success. I gave up drinking for myself and am grateful for the challenge to stay sober.

What have you done to work on yourself, face your demons, or contribute to the success of our marriage? I hear nothing of that in your letter to me.

I hope you can hear me and see yourself more clearly.

I love you.

 

Love,

V.

The next day I received flowers and a balloon.  They read me a list of positive affirmations about myself and promised to not yell or call me names.  We worked on it, but it wasn’t enough for me in the end.  I decided that I wasn’t happy and I didn’t believe that I ever would be in the relationship.  I hadn’t been happy in the last 5 years and I finally faced that and decided I had to leave.